Body Positivity: What does it mean? (For Me)

If I told you I'm not shocked that I'm almost 38 years old, I'd be lying. I used to call people this age "old" and here I am... 38.. *gag*... I was very active in my youth. I'd started dancing at 2/3 years old and that snowballed into cheerleading all the way through high school. I had an amazing body. I weighed about 150lbs during my cheer reign in high school and I was all muscle. There was NOTHING I'd put on and it wouldn't look bad on me. I guess you can say I was living the teenage dream. Then I graduated high school and officially hung up my cheer uniform. I was fine for the whole summer vacation, as I never really experienced a whole summer vacation where I was able to lounge around and do nothing but as I started moving in my dorm room I realized I weighed a little more, my stomach had a pudge and I realized I CAN'T just wear anything anymore.

I was sad all of my first semester in college. I was chubby and just going to class, the cafeteria and back to my dorm to study.

I missed having a purpose and somewhere to go, something to do everyday. I met some amazing new friends while in college, some I still talk to today and are grateful for! They took my mind off of the negative thoughts I had about myself but when they would leave to their respective city and state to go home on holidays, I felt alone again and those negative thoughts would creep back.

I tried going to the gym but it was unsuccessful. Yes, I was in amazing shape but it wasn't from treadmills, exercise bikes or thigh masters... it was from constant dancing, running and throwing bitches in the air! (Really, they were amazing girls!) I would dance in my room, tried to run but all I really wanted in those moments was a taco....

As I got older and graduated I was at the bottom of the "good luck" box. By this time I've lost a father, sister and a mother. Now I'm 119 lbs. I stopped eating, stopped talking, stopped going out, I stopped living. I looked sick.. now I REALLY won't look good in anything I put on. My body looked terrible and on top of everything else I had just lost, I lost my self confidence... depression officially sets in.

People didn't look at me the way they used to, no one complimented me anymore. Life as I knew it was gone and this new life sucked. I wasn't happy and people in my life that were doing great in life, I loathed for no reason at all. I literally hated people because they were doing good in life 🤦🏾‍♀️. It had even gotten so low to the point were I had thoughts of........😔

Something had to give. I knew if I didn't help myself and fast, I wouldn't be here much longer on earth.

I had always loved arts and crafts, given my dad was an artist. I enjoyed crystal and making things sparkle. I decided to jump back into it and im so glad i did. It was meditating for me and gave me positive time by myself, instead of crying all of the time. I added a few home workout equipment pieces in the house, changed my diet up a little and things slowly started getting better and I felt I had a little hope left in the tank.

But then, boom... life strikes again. While laying down in bed one night, I flipped over on my stomach to go to sleep, because who doesn'tlove sleeping on their stomach?! "WOW" I thought to myself, "what's this lump in my stomach?" I put my hand on my stomach and there was a huge lump. Like a whole tennis ball was inside of me! Obviously, I'm freaking out now. I went to my OBGYN and without an ultrasound, she can see with her eyes and confirm 2 large fibroids! How is this my life right now, like what do I do now?! My O.B. says some people get a procedure done and some play the "hopeful" game and wait and see if it goes away on its own.

I've never had surgery before on anything, so yeah... let's be "hopeful" that it'll go away on its own. Six months later... I look about 5 months pregnant. To say the least, the fibroid(s) did not go away on their own, they grew bigger and more grew! I've stopped eating, I'm urinating constantly, I'm in constant pain and I'm totally feeling traumatic! I go back to my O.B. and lay on the table. She walks in and her face said enough. She stepped out and stepped back in, "You need surgery, immediately Connie!" What was I supposed to say "No"? At this point I know I needed it. I went and got required tests needed and then once approved, I was signing my life away and prepping for surgery. I'm terrified and after being told it'll leave a scar...on dark skin...ugh, I'm even more devastated. However, on a positive note, the surgery was successful and I feel so much lighter, I feel like I'm thriving and I don't look pregnant anymore! I've accepted the scar. It's apart of me. Another battle wound that tells a story of my life's journey and now, I'm okay with that!

As a full fledged adult, (not by choice) I now understand that body positivity isn't what THEY think about YOU, it's about what YOU think of YOURSELF! No, I can't fit a size 2 anymore, but I'm healthy and I like how I look in my size 5 jeans. No, I can't wear stilettos every single day anymore, but I have these gorgeous Michael Kors flats and I'm still cute AND comfortable!

And I get compliments...how about that?!

When my boyfriend says he's coming over, I tell him I'll try to get cute for him and he tells me I don't have to, that I'm my most beautiful with no makeup and my sweats on...whoa!

I was at ease within myself looking "plain" but having someone you love encourage you to also stay "plain" because he thinks your beautiful that way is a God send. I'm not saying rush out and find a boyfriend! It's just I've lost so many people in such a short span of time, he is the person I am with and talk to the most now. He is a big part of my family now! The only one I'll ever get "cute" for and I thank my lucky stars for him everyday.

In the end, your body is YOUR body and yours only. I've got stretch marks..I was embarrassed by them in my 20s... I love them now in my 30s and I might make having them a requirement in order to be my friend...im kidding! But who I am today vs. 17 years ago is much different and for the better! THANK GOD!

Why am I talking about this? Because I think many people believe that I personally have never had these type of issues before. I have and I still battle every here or there but life is definitely more on the positive side these days. My life is nowhere near perfect, I just know how to hide it well. But if admitting this and being honest with my peers and more importantly myself maybe this could help someone and even if I only help ONE person, then this blog was more than worth it!

No one will love you more than you, do yourself a favor... treat yourself to a treat today. Whether if that means having dessert today, reading an extra chapter of a book or watching an extra episode of a series before bed, do it!! You deserve it!! I am treating myself!

Be kind to yourself and others you never know what one is going through.

My body is beautiful and so is yours! X💕O💕X💕O

Sincerely,

Connie